If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
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Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”