@oxygenplug: If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
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@daemonic3: Dr: You have palpitations Me: You mean my heartbeat's off? Dr: Hearts can't beat off HAHAHAHA Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
@NathanBgood: Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I've killed, I don't say, "in RuneScape."
@jtswhipped: I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said "Classy" and my brain leaked out of my ear.
@stephenjmolloy: [Pilot intercom] Me: "Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume."