If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
You Might Also Like
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl