Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
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Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
barbara was highly relatable
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
This kid is a star!
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb