my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
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My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.