Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
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A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.