@stupidityHQ: If I was a germ, I'd probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
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@DopeyTweeter: Me: Your baby looks funny. Her: That's my dog. M: Yeah.. uh huh. H: ... M: I'd tell everyone it was my dog too if my baby looked like that.
@VeganZebra: *drinking my first beer with my dad* "I can't believe you made me eat the other ones"
@XplodingUnicorn: Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow? Me: Sure. Can't wait to see you. Him: I land at 5 AM. Me: I have no brother.