If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
You Might Also Like
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free