If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
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Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
A drum solo but on your face.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants