If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
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My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
This classic never gets old . . .
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.