If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
You Might Also Like
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
wtf is a larm clock?
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Speak now or ever hold your peace
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles