If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Bro what is this
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I triple waxed for this?
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Meanwhile in Canada…
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I already tried new things thanks.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”