@weinerdog4life: If I was a police sketch artist I would be like "is this the guy?" And they would be like "nope that's a barn" because I can only draw barns
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@UncleDuke1969: Me: A watched pot never boils. Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
@Ooft_Headshot: Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves.
@sad_tree: Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he's probably on that thing like "MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING"