If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
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I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise