@weinerdog4life: If I was a police sketch artist I would be like "is this the guy?" And they would be like "nope that's a barn" because I can only draw barns
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@rickolantern: Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes. I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
@stevevsninjas: [immortal aliens studying us] After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don't know what happens next.
@mjkspeaks: [call] MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm. ME: idgaf about snow i'm a gangster. MOM: what? ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
@joejwest: SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool