If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
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BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
What my back needs
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids