@Midgetspar: If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn't listen to the victim. I'd draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, "Is this him."
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@LaziestCanine: Murderer: IM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU Me: wow your hands are so soft Murderer: omg really Me: [caresses his hands] what moisturizer do you use
@Glorificus917: When someone asks me if I'm seeing anyone, I automatically assume they're talking about a psychiatrist.
@Mike_Bianchi: It's unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I'm willing to go through for lactose.
@OurMarketingGuy: Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
@themiltron: [first day as a coroner] me: he died at 11:42AM detective: are you positive me: it's hard with all this death but i'm hanging in there
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