If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
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[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.