St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
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I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!