@Brianhopecomedy: My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.

@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "I need to draw some blood." Me: "Okay." Doctor: "Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?"

@Playing_Dad: I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

@mikejanson2: Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow? A: You look for the fresh prints! I'll show myself out y'all

@MattMcC1: "Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth", i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.