@platinum2000: [Confessional Booth] Me: I can't do anything right. Priest: Please get off of my lap.

@brianbowman73: Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper. I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

@senorwinces: If you watch Intervention backwards, it's about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

@Inconsteveable: Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

@Shock_Monster: Driving back from funeral yesterday: Stairway To Heaven *click* Tears In Heaven *click* Highway To Hell *click* Macarena! *leaves it*