If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
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I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*