If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
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People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
me hitting on a model
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”