Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
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[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’