they finally got him. they got macavity
You Might Also Like
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
ouch
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.