@bourgeoisalien: If I was a vampire, pretty sure I'd find a way to cover blood in cheese.
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@treydayway: Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
@gojarbe: [gun goes off] [every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race] ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
@notacroc: PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu