If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
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Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.