If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
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-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
A choir of Spring onions
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
It’s an epidemic…
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79