Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
You Might Also Like
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
They’re called werewolves.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.