If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
You Might Also Like
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
why would tinder want me to say this
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
My wedding will be open casket.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Penguins walking in 5x speed
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.