@shesxridiculous: If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
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@ANastyGorilla: My brother's so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he'd kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
@StellaRtwot: I appreciate when aerobic instructors say "Don't forget to breathe" because I sometimes forget and then I die.
@courtneyno: The light above my desk is going out. I feel like I've been at a really boring rave for the last 7 hours.