If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
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If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Brands during Pride
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.