If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
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You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
haha same
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”