If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
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Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
cyclists
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.