If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
You Might Also Like
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training