If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
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“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
This came to me in a dream.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.