Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
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Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I bet birds love this building.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.