I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
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Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
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MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
your honor my client chooses dare
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.