@jake_lach: If I was antisocial I wouldn't have just ordered a pizza over the phone.
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@simoncholland: Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
@KentWGraham: I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
@TheBoydP: Pro tip: To tell how far away a storm is, count the seconds between the lightning and the thunder and then look at your weather app.