When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
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Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Free him
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD