[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
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Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Is this you?
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Girl, same.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Think I pulled my liver
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby