@ShtFatGirlsSay: If I was any hungrier Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would adopt me.
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@BringDaNoyz: *walks up to counter at funeral home* EMPLOYEE: Can I help you? ME: Hi, yes, I'll take one death, please.
@hazelmotes1: Superman: I'm my own worst enemy. Lex Luthor: oh. That's nice. I'm literally standing right here.
@TrueTorontoGirl: Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car? Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I've looked.