@ShtFatGirlsSay: If I was any hungrier Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would adopt me.
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@UnFitz: [first date] Her: So what do you do? Him: I'm a scientist. Her: Cool. What kind? Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
@motorace177: I'm looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
@thatUPSdude: Me: Want some of my nachos? Coworker: I don't like nachos. Me: Hello 911, what's consider premeditated murder?
@FullGrownChris: "Where are you all going?" A lifeboat. The Titanic is sinking. "You guys are booked til 2. Trust me, this'll be great exposure for your band