@koalaslament: if I was ever in prison I'd quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
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@Overdue_Bills: She was like "wrong hole", so I said "adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn't knitting quilts Velma", long story short I'm still single.
@DaHess1: A bunch of religious accounts are following me so I can only assume I'm the subject of a monthly sermon series.
@withanewname: [Installing ceiling fan] Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished! Wife on the phone: Is this Bob's fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
@Loving_Life1996: We are gathered here today because SOMEBODY *glares at coffin* couldn't stay alive.