if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
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I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.