if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
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Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.