McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
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Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Well well well…
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon