If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
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There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
CRYING
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?