I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
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“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.