First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
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Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Oops I deleted….
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.