If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
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I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
*me flirting
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.