If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
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i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o