@WheelTod: If I was on death row I'd request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn't be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
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@egg_dog: [death row] Guard: Any last words? Me: [smugly] photosynthesis. Guard: … Me: it sounded longer in my head.
@weismanjake: One of the toughest parts of adulthood is figuring out how to stay friends with people who post too many selfies
@FredPollack: Found a bag of weed in my son's bedroom, absolutely horrified! The thing was practically all stems and seeds.