If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
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Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac