If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
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[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.