If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
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Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Facebook marketplace is a different world
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.