“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
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I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice