@cluedont: If I was Phil Collins I'd rub my belly after every meal and say 'I'm Full Collins', then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
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@Reverend_Scott: God: You finish all 11 commandments? Moses: About the 11th one... God: What? Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself? God: Fine, 10.
@david8hughes: Me: coming to the office Xmas party? Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father Me: there'll be like 50 of us there. We'll help you look
@ZombieProblms: Zombies never bite hipsters. They taste fine. We just don't want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
@Vodkantots: In hell, every day is Thanksgiving and you're never allowed to unbutton your pants.