If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
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*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
buying dead houseplants to save time