[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
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When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.